The Best Advice I Got About Having A Hoe Phase In Lagos
A hoe phase in your 20s is now regarded as one of those canon events every 20-something-year-old should experience, but how do you navigate one, especially if you live in a city like Lagos.
A still from the WAP music video because in today’s newsletter, there are some hoes in the house!
I have been fascinated with the idea of a hoe phase for over two years. Mine began around that time. In 2021, I wrote about my relationship with my body and sex changing after I started working out, and as one could imagine, that extended to a change in how I thought about intimacy, casual sex and of course my own personal hook-up culture. Between then and now, so much in my personal life has shifted, but one thing that has remained is my fascination with hoe phases. I am in particular fascinated by how we lack advice on how one should have a hoe phase, and I have heard so many stories about people who regret not having one, yet I don't think I have read enough about how to have one. I know this because when my hoe phase started, I was at a loss on what to do (how to do it actually). Twitter discourse tells you there is a time to leave your fuckbuddy’s house before you start being a menace (common sense should also tell you this, but we will be ignoring that, thank you very much) and how many eggs you can fry during the morning after without being turned into a national headline. These are references you will get if you have been chronically online especially on Twitter Nigeria these last few years.
It should be said that the phase in hoe phase is very much an active word because, for many people, this state of being open to anything sexually won’t last. Many will transition into monogamous relationships and could get higher-profile jobs, and for some, you will simply run out of steam. Speaking to a friend of mine on one Sunday morning while Litany’s My Dude plays and glasses of gin and ice stand between us, he tells me of transitioning out of being a hoe. ‘‘When you said you're going to do this thing, I thought about it, and I went back to a certain time in my life and it's crazy.’’ Bryan* describes himself as a retired hoe and an ageing millennial. ‘‘I just never thought that something like my sex life would feel, if I look back on it, it would feel so foreign to me. Because it's so different to who I am now. Sex was a huge part of my identity, self-identity, how I self-identify. And now that is not the case. There was no cause, there was no trauma, there was no trigger, nothing.’’
Me to my friends tbh
Hoe phases for many is a fleeting time. What does this mean? So little time, so much to do, and of course, you want to do it right. Luckily by the time I was having a hoe phase, not only did I have a pretty solid social network, but I also had friends who had been there and knew enough to inform me to do better. I decided to reach out to them once more, and this time the brief was simple; what did they wish they knew about a hoe phase before they had one? I couldn’t fit in all they said so I am going only to include what I think was the best answer they each gave me.
Frank, 29
I’ll say just manage expectations and understand what you want to do. My hoe phase was a period where I broke off a relationship, and I was just doing anything then. I got into group sex and even dated a bisexual man who was with his female partner and like three other ‘boyfriends’ at the time. So I think it’s great to know what you want from it. ‘Oh, this is a period of just having fun’ or like ‘oh, I’m intent on finding my next relationship’. Also nothing prepares you for liking your fuck buddy more than they like you and realising that ‘oh, this is just a fun time for them.’ So yeah, heavily hinging on what your expectations from a hoe phase are: do you want to get over your ex, find out what you want? You decide.
Ozzy, 37
I think there’s a lot of subterfuge in the Lagos dating and sexual landscape. People are very afraid to be themselves because [other] people are quick to judge. At the same time, there is a lot of sexual depravity and a lack of discipline. I think what's missing sometimes is the freedom, the fun, the ability just to be. Sexual freedom and honesty go hand in hand. You can, of course, be free, but it comes at a cost. You have to be willing to not care. And I know it sounds like I am talking about fucking around and not caring, but I am talking about the freedom of sexual exploration and the fluidity and joy that comes with that.
Malik*, 31
Just because an interaction is casual doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be treated with respect. I think a lot of people think that when they’re in a non-committal relationship, there’s no need to aspire to be decent to the other party. I think how infidelity is treated and navigated in our society here makes even having a hoe phase sometimes tedious. A lot of people are just so dishonest about what they want, what their boundaries are, and what they’re hoping to gain. This, in turn, lends to the lack of vulnerability that is so pervasive in our lives here.
Uyai, 35
I have had a hoe phase and life at this point I had given up organized religion, and become more in touch with my sexuality and spirituality and what it meant to find freedom in those things. For me, being a hoe means I’m aware of my sexual preferences and desires and not only am I proud of them, but I actively go after them.
I wish I didn’t believe the lie that women couldn’t and shouldn’t be hoes. I would have embraced it sooner. I also wish I had spent more time teaching myself, learning about myself, pleasuring myself and falling deeper in love with myself and my body. It would have saved me and my partners a lot.
Winston, 29
I used to be a people pleaser, so I wish someone told me to focus on myself. If I did, I wouldn’t have had pity sex or sex with someone because I saw their potential (sexual potential or otherwise) because I almost always felt regret.
If you’re playing an away game, always have a bag containing condoms, lube, baby wipes, travel-size mouthwash, and baby oil. You can’t always trust the host to be prepared.
So I was talking to this guy in 2016 on the app and he said we should meet up. I could tell he was green but I said “fuck it, for the plot”. I get there, and he has no lube so I suggest we jerk off or frot but guess what? He’s out of lotion and has no body oil. He tells me to hold on, goes to his kitchen and brings out vegetable oil.
Daniel, 32
I had my hoe phase after I understood how my body engaged with sex. Earlier in my sexual experience, I was topping and it was okay. I never chased sex much like that. I started bottoming more and the first time I had proper anal orgasms and I passed out from the pleasure. I was like ‘Oh, so sex can feel this good” Then when drugs got involved`; weed, having sex when I was on molly, I was like I get it, I get why people like this. I was then on a mission to learn my body, see what my body could do, how much I could enjoy, and how much pleasure I could derive from this, especially because I had gone so much in my life just not caring about sex - it was just something I did every five months. When I finally started understanding my body, I decided ‘Yeah hoe phase, all the things I’ve missed, let me enjoy.’
The only thing I wish I knew before is how much people in Lagos knew how to fuck. When you are in Lagos, enjoy Lagos. That is one of the only good things Lagos has.